Friday, November 4, 2016

Kit Kelen #309 - magical devices class

magical devices class
things they come up with

there's always some kind
of Time Travel Watch
(today's special is digital and so not very accurate –
you can only choose the year)
with these watches in general though
you lose at least as much as you gain
because reward must come from effort
and patience is a virtue
(things you should really already have known)

in fact many devices are what you'd expect
it's as if you could predict the future some days
merely from past teaching experience

a cloud you can eat is cotton candy
fairies use it to floss
(explains why Hello Kitty has no teeth)

a projector brings an image to life
this works for aliens, for Hitler, for atomic bombs –
fortunately the spell lasts just 24 hours
so it's ideal for cup noodles
or any kind of instant meal
though some report empty feelings
a few days later

the Begin-Again Ring
brings things back to life
with a touch
but beware
the second prod is instant death
one way or the other

many devices are mundane if practical
there's the Homework Machine
does just what you'd think
and the Well Done Pen for exams

there's the Hair Dryer Helmet
(sounds more like an invention to me)
there's Memory Bread
(put it on the book you can't be bothered reading
then you'll know it all)
there's a glove to steal whatever you want
(guess that covers the fingerprints issue,
otherwise I don't see much point)

at the North Pole in a cave
there's a computer that can rewrite history
getting there's the trick though

and for that purpose you might find handy
several new devices we have on offer

there's the 'Simply There' Sim Card for flash travel
works like a charm once you know
how to dial up your destination

of course we have a Magic Door
and customers who've used it
say they were 'on fire'
... that could be a good thing
(safety investigations are ongoing nevertheless)

more generally –
there's the Red Book
gives you a wish a day
you have to write it down
so you could wish your way to the North Pole
or anywhere else you wanted

on the other hand if you know someone there already
there's the 'Evil Grace Bracelet'
allows you to swap identities
I guess you'd have to make a prior arrangement
with the other party
(we're still working out the evil side
and help with our research is always welcome)

the North Pole's not for everyone anyway
(apart from frostbite, there's the Santa-slave risk...
that sly old fox has plenty of magic going)

we have devices for various destinations
the Rain Gathering Umbrella
is just the best thing for crossing the desert

we also have a Sun Repellent
that turns day into night
you might want to get a flashlight with that
light application gives things a dusky glow

if that's something you'd like more permanently
then perhaps the Crepusculator is for you?

if you use the Time Freeze Necklace
you'll find yourself out of action after
for an equivalent amount of time

we now have Time Freeze Spray as well
it's less totalizing you could say
the side-effects are more local
but it is a jolly great can to be bearing out
unless you're just wanting to put someone's
fingers out action
it is a new product, still on trial
leaves a little numbness they say

then there's Extra Time
does just what it suggests
gives you extra
extra sleep for instance
comes with a free alarm clock

the Fantastic Window
brightens things up
but we're not able to say how at this time

the Dump-o-matic
(operates by poo-tooth)
is a favourite with the truly lazy and self-disgusted
Kim Jong-un has a poo-gulag of slaves working over time
so he can keep chowing down at pace in the palace
just sayin'...

the Luck Magnet's
good for you
not so great for family and friends
still, get hold of the magnet and you'll the winner

then there are
the Blood Sucking Dolls
each with its own super power
and every time a new surprise!

The Dream Eater makes a video record
of all you dreamt last night
many customers want money back
when they see how dim and vacuous their unconscious is

of course we have Magic Beanstalk beans
there's a stone that gets you stoned
all sorts of other magic rocks
and fortune telling crystals as well
there are stones for skipping
some you toss up
and they never come down
so no one knows what else they do

the 'Penetrating Device'
is for mind reading
but can only be used by those with good intentions
so it hasn't been a big seller

the 'Inkling Ear-Set' is more innocuous
gives you vague hunches of what people think
but at a bargain price
(you might prefer just to watch their lips)

we have a wide variety of jinnees in bottles
the problem is they've not been labelled
according to any system we can work out
so you'll never know what you're getting
until you've given the bottle a rub
and of course getting the bugger back in
has always been the hard part

so many different Invisibility Creams!
and there's Patience Potion
for those who can't wait
next iteration PP.17B on the market any day now
(you can queue up overnight outside of the shop
if that's your thing)

we also have Ghoulish Monster Muck
Halloween favourite for frightening friends
then there's the Tear Your Head Off Kit
with the Optional Re-Adhesion Package
(strongly advised by the maker)

there's a special this weekend on the Trump Card –
gives you the desired election outcome
but only if you tell enough lies of the right kind
to plenty of bigoted credulous fools
(price fluctuates wildly in inverse proportion to the market)
… this one's been known to sink in its own swamp
so you'd better get in quick if you want it

you can find all of these items in our
Flash Magic Shop
at a different address
every time you look

for every charm
there's something to pay
we present the bill at the end of the day
sorry, we don't give quotes


(I have to admit
I've embellished a bit –
but you see what an inspiration teaching is!) 



  1. "we have a wide variety of jinnees in bottles
    the problem is they've not been labelled
    according to any system we can work out
    so you'll never know what you're getting
    until you've given the bottle a rub
    and of course getting the bugger back in
    has always been the hard part"

    Ha. Yes. Sure.

  2. I feel like I've read this somewhere before, Rob


    1. Ha. It rings a bell.
      Story with no label.
      But it's your poem.
      Now the hard part.


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