Fog has the sky closer this morning,
that other house
and this
is all there is.
White ocean blanket
silenced the cacophony of rooftops.
I could be a hermit
at the top of this hill.
All the land around me
rolling out beneath the mist
unseen yet promised.
I had 'but " in the last line instead of 'yet'.... which do I use? 'but' always seems out of place.
ReplyDeleteThat's a fine poem. I like the fog rolling down image and the sky just beyond reach. And since you're asking Gillian, I'd go for 'but', but then I'd try writing a last line so that the stanza is an even 6 lines. (I'm a Libran and I don't always take my own advice, but we do like our beauty balanced.)
DeleteThanks very much Rob. I think I'll end up changing it back. The'but' came naturally, and may fit better.( Oh I wonder if Clark and Tug will have a field day with this!) The 'yet' seems a little naff, now that I read over it for the umpteenth time. As for the balance, yes, I hear you.
DeleteI appreciate the feedback as I do hope to use this space as the description of the project says- a place to post a draft poem daily and open a conversation over a piece.
No worries. Your writing is strong. Nothing naff about it, whether 'but' or 'yet'. I think we''ve got this internal thing, don't we, that tells us what we want and how we want to say it. What makes a draft a draft is that it's unready. We will soothe it.
Deleteor there's
ReplyDeletestill
or there's the humble
,
or there's
unseen, promised yet / still
or
a little fog senryu
that other house and this
is all there is
?