Friday, September 14, 2018

Gillian Swain # 6 Sky Closer -(draft)

Fog has the sky closer this morning,
that other house
and this
is all there is.
White ocean blanket
silenced the cacophony of rooftops.

I could be a hermit
at the top of this hill.
All the land around me
rolling out beneath the mist
unseen yet promised.

5 comments:

  1. I had 'but " in the last line instead of 'yet'.... which do I use? 'but' always seems out of place.

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    Replies
    1. That's a fine poem. I like the fog rolling down image and the sky just beyond reach. And since you're asking Gillian, I'd go for 'but', but then I'd try writing a last line so that the stanza is an even 6 lines. (I'm a Libran and I don't always take my own advice, but we do like our beauty balanced.)

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    2. Thanks very much Rob. I think I'll end up changing it back. The'but' came naturally, and may fit better.( Oh I wonder if Clark and Tug will have a field day with this!) The 'yet' seems a little naff, now that I read over it for the umpteenth time. As for the balance, yes, I hear you.
      I appreciate the feedback as I do hope to use this space as the description of the project says- a place to post a draft poem daily and open a conversation over a piece.

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    3. No worries. Your writing is strong. Nothing naff about it, whether 'but' or 'yet'. I think we''ve got this internal thing, don't we, that tells us what we want and how we want to say it. What makes a draft a draft is that it's unready. We will soothe it.

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  2. or there's
    still
    or there's the humble
    ,
    or there's
    unseen, promised yet / still


    or

    a little fog senryu
    that other house and this
    is all there is


    ?

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