Tug Dumbly # 57 - Tarzan

Tarzan

When you opened your mouth to yawn just now  

I saw this vine of saliva

and thought  

of Tarzan …

Old people had Johnny Weissmuller.

My Tarzan was Ron Ely. Ron Ely

was a tv Tarzan on after school.

He was so great Ron Ely, tall and

shiny and powerful, with poise and

dignity and grace, which is no cinch

when you’re barefoot with just a knife

and red loincloth. But Ron Ely carried

it off, statuesque he was, and moved

and spoke with a fine measured manliness,

and his hair was great too, not too scruffy,

not too sensible, just Goldilocks right.

               

There was no Jane for Ron Ely’s Tarzan,

just guest white women in distress, with

jeeps and safari gear and native bearers.

Arrogant, rich and out of their depth  

these women often seemed, patronising

and snooty towards Tarzan, at least until

they got stopped by quicksand or poachers

or a leopard and Tarzan had to step in

and scrape them out of a Jam, like a knight

in his shining birthday suit.

I think these women secretly desired

Ron Ely with his manly physique and

cool, laconic manner which he kept up

under all conditions, except of course

when he was forced into action, which

was pretty much in every episode

given that this was an action show.

But he was no fool Ron Ely, he could

see these women admiring his shiny

body but he stayed professional and

never softened or stepped out of role

into their honey trap, at least he never

fondled or kissed one that I ever saw

at 4.30pm after school on WIN 4.

And where would they go anyway,

to make out, I mean? You never saw

Tarzan’s house, or tree-house, or bedroom,

or any of his domestic arrangements.

Plus Jai, the boy, was always hanging

about, cramping Ron Ely’s style

even if he did want to get it on.

But I don’t think sex was part of the

Ron Ely Tarzan scheme, I mean

who knows, Ron Ely might have been

up for something on the side, but I

bet it was all pretty professional

on set, and how could there have been

time for any love stuff in the stories

anyhow, with Tarzan so busy

rescuing arrogant white women

from sticky situations and wrestling

crocs and diving off falls and patching  

peace between warring tribes and

foiling poachers? (the word always

makes me hungry for eggs).

Jai, the boy, who was always hanging

about, wore a loincloth too and was a

kind of a Mowgli figure who looked more

Mexican than African, though of course

Africa is where Tarzan was supposed

to be, though I think the show was filmed

in Brazil, and of course Ron Ely himself

was a solidly Caucasian hunk who

would have slid beautifully into a

suit on Madison Avenue, or kitted

up well as a tough-but-beloved sergeant

in a war film, or a rich cattle rancher,

or a sheriff in some Western, or even

Jesus, if only they’d ever given Ron Ely

any other decent roles …  

But I never did see him in anything

else apart from Tarzan, which might be for

the best, as it might have spoiled Tarzan

for me see Ron Ely as someone else.

Along with Jai, the boy, there was also

Cheetah, who, confusingly, was a

chimpanzee. Jai and Cheetah helped out

with the light relief which came at the

end of every episode, because Ron

Ely’s Tarzan himself was pretty serious

and didn’t really make jokes, though

when he did smile at the hi-jinx of

Jai and Cheetah it was really great.

He had a great smile, Ron Ely, and great

teeth and a great steady serious way

of talking that had not the smallest hint

of archness or irony or any wormy little

wink at the audience to let them know

that Ron Ely knew that the whole Tarzan

scene, with his constant semi-nudity,  

was just a bit weird or fruity, but no way,

Ron Ely played his Tarzan straight and

serious to hilt.

And the theme tune to the show was

great too, orchestrated with blasting

brass and trilling piccolos, it was just

so catchy and thrilling the way it got

you all revved up to watch. Later, I

got my guitar pop band to do a cover

of the tune and we did it as a sort

of surf instrumental. It was great.

Also, there was this other dinky  

little musical theme that happened

whenever Jai or Cheetah or some

other animal did their cute little

end-of-show thing, like a baby eleph-

ant sticking its trunk in a lady’s bag,

which made everyone laugh, and you  

could tell by then how the once arrogant

white women were now regretting

that they’d soon have to fly back to

New York to their fake socialite lives.    

They never did made an episode of   

Ron Ely’s Tarzan in New York, a classic

monkey-out-of-jungle story, like they

did with Johnny Weissmuller in the film

Tarzan’s New York Adventure, where

Johnny Weissmuller goes to New York

chasing Cheetah, who’d been kidnapped

by some dirty circus operator.

It hurts my head to think about how

much time you could waste writing

about the colonial oppression and

cultural appropriation in all this.

But Ron Ely’s Tarzan probably had

no budget to go to New York, and

given that Ron Ely was pretty Ameri-

can in any case it might have been a

bit redundant, plus it’s just plain hard

to imagine Ron Ely in his loin cloth

in mid-town Manhattan foiling crooked

money men and tv execs who tried

to exploit his image like King Kong,

and I mean how would he swing be-

tween skyscrapers without vines, it’s

not like he’s fucken Spiderman, it’s not

like they could just stick on the vines

with Tarzan’s Grip …

Tarzan’s Grip was a strong glue that smelt

good and came in a red and black tube

with a picture of Tarzan ripping open

a lion’s mouth with his bare hands,

something I’m not sure even Ron Ely’s

Tarzan could do, although you could sure

tell he had a mighty strong grip from

the way he swung along on those vines …

… though I did wonder at times who put

the vines back in place after he’d swung

on them, you know, draped them back up

the tree so they’d be ready for the next

time he needed to travel at speed through

the jungle. Was there a crew of vine re-setters

who followed Ron Ely through the jungle,

like Tarzan’s roadies, putting all his

props back in place after he’d used them?

(If so, I hope they weren’t exploited

in some beastly colonial way)

I also fretted a bit about how Ron Ely

knew the vine would take his manly weight,

and be just so in length, you know, long

enough to reach the ground in a lovely

parabola without him splatting into

the jungle floor, or him being caught short,

or long enough to stretch to that next

high tree branch …

So many questions … but sometimes

you’ve just gotta go with the flow  

Yeah Ron Ely was a great Tarzan,

and here I’m going to break my rule

and do something risky and foolish,

which is to look up Ron Ely on

Wikipedia, which is always dangerous,

because Wikipedia can be irresponsible

and destroy your illusions and the facts

you thought you had, all those things long

treasured in your head … but here goes …

Ah, I just read this snippet, which more

than vindicates my admiration for Ron Ely:

‘During the filming of Tarzan, Ely did

virtually all of his own stunts for the series,

and suffered two dozen major injuries

in the process, including two broken

shoulders and various lion bites …’

That’s TWO DOZEN MAJOR INJURIES

including VARIOUS LION BITES’!!!

Now there’s a man, there’s a real Tarzan!