Sunday, November 17, 2019

KA Rees #51 - Pattern for an Arsehat


Pattern for an Arsehat

Arsehat, colloquial term given to Australia’s highest order of political achievement. Previously
referred to as Prime Minister and currently worn by the Liberal Party’s Scott Morrison - Urban Dictionary.

The pattern required for a bat wraps says,
preferred size 45 cm X 45 cm, use 100%
cotton flannelette and poly-fill stuffing.

Koala mittens are needed for burnt pads
of furry marsupials, they held onto bark
of their engulfed homes; they had no place left

to go. Rest the koala template onto a piece of cotton
fabric and trace four times, cut out the mitten
shape and sew together 2 x 2. Leave bottom open

so that a burnt paw may be placed inside.
Attach woolen tie to X so tie can
be wrapped around the base to tighten.

Repeat steps to create second mitten.
Repeat again, and again, but not
too many times as koalas are functionally

extinct, their habitats lost to land clearing,
killed by cars and dogs, and the policies of
successive federal and state governments.

Wildlife pouch tutorial, please note that
liners should be 100% natural fibres
no synthetic fabrics or anything plastic

No thread that glitters. No bullshit brinkmanship
or pushing out platitudes such as ‘thoughts
and prayers’, no raising of empty palms

pressing flesh to the greased wheel, no
having a cold one for photo opportunity
with a quiet Australian quietly sobbing
for all that he's lost on the nightly news.

That pattern is too well known.

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