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magical devices class
or
things they come up with
there's always some kind
of Time Travel Watch
(today's special is digital and so not very
accurate –
you can only choose the year)
with these watches in general though
you lose at least as much as you gain
because reward must come from effort
and patience is a virtue
(things you should really already have known)
in fact many devices are what you'd expect
it's as if you could predict the future some
days
merely from past teaching experience
a cloud you can eat is cotton candy
fairies use it to floss
(explains why Hello Kitty has no teeth)
a projector brings an image to life
this works for aliens, for Hitler, for atomic
bombs –
fortunately the spell lasts just 24 hours
so it's ideal for cup noodles
or any kind of instant meal
though some report empty feelings
a few days later
the Begin-Again Ring
brings things back to life
with
a touch
but
beware
the
second prod is instant death
one
way or the other
many
devices are mundane if practical
there's
the Homework Machine
does
just what you'd think
and
the Well Done Pen for exams
there's
the Hair Dryer Helmet
(sounds
more like an invention to me)
there's
Memory Bread
(put
it on the book you can't be bothered reading
then
you'll know it all)
there's
a glove to steal whatever you want
(guess
that covers the fingerprints issue,
otherwise
I don't see much point)
at
the North Pole in a cave
there's a computer that can rewrite history
there's a computer that can rewrite history
getting
there's the trick though
and
for that purpose you might find handy
several
new devices we have on offer
there's
the 'Simply There' Sim Card for flash travel
works
like a charm once you know
how
to dial up your destination
of
course we have a Magic Door
and
customers who've used it
say
they were 'on fire'
...
that could be a good thing
(safety
investigations are ongoing nevertheless)
more
generally –
there's
the Red Book
gives
you a wish a day
you
have to write it down
so
you could wish your way to the North Pole
or
anywhere else you wanted
on
the other hand if you know someone there already
there's
the 'Evil Grace Bracelet'
allows
you to swap identities
I
guess you'd have to make a prior arrangement
with
the other party
(we're
still working out the evil side
and
help with our research is always welcome)
the
North Pole's not for everyone anyway
(apart
from frostbite, there's the Santa-slave risk...
that
sly old fox has plenty of magic going)
we
have devices for various destinations
the
Rain Gathering Umbrella
is
just the best thing for crossing the desert
we
also have a Sun Repellent
that
turns day into night
you
might want to get a flashlight with that
light
application gives things a dusky glow
if
that's something you'd like more permanently
then
perhaps the Crepusculator is for you?
if
you use the Time Freeze Necklace
you'll
find yourself out of action after
for
an equivalent amount of time
we
now have Time Freeze Spray as well
it's
less totalizing you could say
the
side-effects are more local
but
it is a jolly great can to be bearing out
unless
you're just wanting to put someone's
fingers
out action
it
is a new product, still on trial
leaves
a little numbness they say
then
there's Extra Time
does
just what it suggests
gives
you extra
extra
sleep for instance
comes
with a free alarm clock
the
Fantastic Window
brightens
things up
but
we're not able to say how at this time
the
Dump-o-matic
(operates
by poo-tooth)
is
a favourite with the truly lazy and self-disgusted
Kim
Jong-un has a poo-gulag of slaves working over time
so
he can keep chowing down at pace in the palace
just
sayin'...
the
Luck Magnet's
good
for you
not
so great for family and friends
still,
get hold of the magnet and you'll the winner
then
there are
the
Blood Sucking Dolls
each
with its own super power
and
every time a new surprise!
The
Dream Eater makes a video record
of
all you dreamt last night
many
customers want money back
when
they see how dim and vacuous their unconscious is
of
course we have Magic Beanstalk beans
there's
a stone that gets you stoned
all
sorts of other magic rocks
and
fortune telling crystals as well
there
are stones for skipping
some
you toss up
and
they never come down
so
no one knows what else they do
the
'Penetrating Device'
is
for mind reading
but
can only be used by those with good intentions
so
it hasn't been a big seller
the
'Inkling Ear-Set' is more innocuous
gives
you vague hunches of what people think
but
at a bargain price
(you
might prefer just to watch their lips)
we
have a wide variety of jinnees in bottles
the
problem is they've not been labelled
according
to any system we can work out
so
you'll never know what you're getting
until
you've given the bottle a rub
and
of course getting the bugger back in
has
always been the hard part
so
many different Invisibility Creams!
and
there's Patience Potion
for
those who can't wait
next
iteration PP.17B on the market any day now
(you
can queue up overnight outside of the shop
if
that's your thing)
we
also have Ghoulish Monster Muck
Halloween
favourite for frightening friends
then
there's the Tear Your Head Off Kit
with
the Optional Re-Adhesion Package
(strongly
advised by the maker)
there's
a special this weekend on the Trump Card –
gives
you the desired election outcome
but
only if you tell enough lies of the right kind
to
plenty of bigoted credulous fools
(price
fluctuates wildly in inverse proportion to the market)
…
this one's been known to sink in its own swamp
so
you'd better get in quick if you want it
you
can find all of these items in our
Flash
Magic Shop
at
a different address
every
time you look
for
every charm
there's
something to pay
we
present the bill at the end of the day
sorry,
we don't give quotes
*
(I have to admit
I've embellished a bit –
but you see what an inspiration teaching is!)
"we have a wide variety of jinnees in bottles
ReplyDeletethe problem is they've not been labelled
according to any system we can work out
so you'll never know what you're getting
until you've given the bottle a rub
and of course getting the bugger back in
has always been the hard part"
Ha. Yes. Sure.
I feel like I've read this somewhere before, Rob
ReplyDelete
DeleteHa. It rings a bell.
Story with no label.
But it's your poem.
Now the hard part.