Kit Kelen #274 - vestibular neuritis

274

vestibular neuritis / labarynthitis

first time in the ambulance

you might not notice much of your surroundings

the boys even put the siren on

for fun … or why does a dog lick its balls?

but the thing is time is different in there

every bump like a big swell in a little boat

you try to row but there's nowhere to go

at least

no gunshot wound

not heart gave up

no sudden onset gangrene

really – I am so fucking lucky

and to fall over

just a wheelchair ride from the clinic

truly a charmed life!

still and all

my sight is sorry

my head explodes

as it spins

as I stay as still

as life allows 

by golly

those crickets have volume today 

between the brain and the inner ear

something has snapped like a guitar string

perhaps I was tuned too high?

or the weather brought it on?

I have been here before

and it was worse the other time

days till I could make things still

now closed eyes hypnagogic

visions one must not waste

when the head is still

the world is

a terrible thing

so tuned to the sphere

that the spin gets in

move your head

and the world goes round

butnot the way you'd want

it's a fault in the wiring

the doctors keep shining

bright lights into it

that only makes it worse

I should explain abut the dizziness

but I don't want you to have to understand

let's just say

but you look like a drunk

but you're having a lot less fun

you can't hold food down

everyone takes some kind of balance for granted

… imagine the rug pulled out from under your feet

continuously, maybe for a week, even when you sleep

imagine the struggle to sit up, to stand

so like a bad dream

but you have to dream on

I spent a lot of time

worrying this could come back

and now it's back

I'm still worrying

watching, waiting

for the signs

it's funny how worry habituates

you'd think the coming of the trauma

would let worry off the hook

no such luck

in such times the duty to observe

is the best blessing

that's why we're here now

I cannot see what I write

but I will read it later

come amanuensis

take this down

disseminate

dear friends

if I am not answering your messages

as quickly as I usually would

it's because I cannot look at a screen

or not for long

the cosmos is a telling thing

aren't we always being told

for instance now

I'm told to focus

to keep my eyes on a single object

and mainly

to keep them closed

find a single point in the blank

stare out the wall

dare the world still

and breathe

hear the birds again