just another day of Ramadan in Serang
the first prayer
had not yet been called
when the last spoon of rice
went down the throat
the day had not started yet
a lady had been crouching down
in front of her cracked clay stoves
flaming charcoal cracked through
the stillness, boiled egg and coconut milk,
steamed white rice on top
a song to her wrinkled ears
the meals she prepared for that day
were for those who prayed differently from her
for the ladies suffering from pain in their bellies
some only for three or five days
and some for nine full moons
those meals she would sell in the shadow
behind a tight curtain and a closed door
no scent of salt or pepper could escappe
to seduce those-of-the-strong-faith
still those meals were laid waste
by a few policemen’s kicks
and there were tears and cries heard then
in a month when evil is curbed
* http://www.smh.com.au/world/ramadan-raid-on-stallholder-sparks-online-campaign-for-greater-tolerance-20160614-gpiur8.html *
Hi Chrys, I really like this but feel a little detached from it. I wonder whether it would be worth shifting it ever so slightly into the present tense. The first prayer has not yet been called/ a lady crouches down/ and there are tears and cries...etc. just to give it a sense of immediacy. just a thought, feel free to ignore. xM
ReplyDeleteJust another day of Ramadan in Serang
Deletethe first prayer
has not yet been called
when the last spoon of rice
goes down the throat
the day has not started yet
a lady crouches down
in front of her cracked clay stoves
flaming charcoal cracks through
the stillness, boiled egg and coconut milk,
steamed white rice on top
a song to her wrinkled ears
the meals she prepared for that day
are for those who prayed differently from her
for the ladies suffering from pain in their bellies
some only for three or five days
and some for nine full moons
those meals she would sell in the shadow
behind a tight curtain and a closed door
no scent of salt or pepper could escape
to seduce those-of-the-strong-faith
still those meals are laid waste
by a few policemen’s kicks
and there are tears and cries
in a month when evil is curbed
What do you think? For me it pulls me closer in to the action but others may disagree.
DeleteThank you, Mikaela. I will try to do that
ReplyDeleteWonderful, Chrys. So powerful. (Morality that needs Religion, and hides there, is no morality at all.)
ReplyDeleteWonderful, Chrys. So powerful. (Morality that needs Religion, and hides there, is no morality at all.)
ReplyDeleteI think it works better in the past tense in the final stanza because it makes the obnoxious action of the police more final, more a fait accompli. Also, I don't think present tense works with "meals she would sell in the shadow". That would have to become "meals she will sell in the shadow" if you were going to apply present tense consistently throughout. That also would apply to "no scent of salt or pepper could escape", it would have to become "no scent of salt and pepper can escape". The mixture of tenses in the poem make a straight change to present a bit problematic.
ReplyDeleteI agree... works really well, like that, in the present! great poem!
Deleteshould be "makes a straight change"!
ReplyDelete