Saturday, January 14, 2017

ST KILDA BOARDING HOUSE

I have written this draft today - and have worries about certain aspects of it. So whaddya think should stay and what should go? I'm looking for some honest responses, so shoot.


St.Kilda Boarding House, mid-Sixties


Lime green. And tall –
it was three storeys high
but thin: a hallway with stairs
and rooms off. She was
old with a stained apron, the flowers
on her wallpaper
faded as the sunlight.
Thank you, I said demurely
as she showed me
the room – my room
for now. I’d hitched over
the nation pursuing
a girl. Certainly
lust inspired my dreams. It was
as cold as Melbourne gets,
and she lived out of town
when she wasn’t
rehearsing. I
wasn’t allowed in her house
or at the rehearsals. I threw down
my bag and lay on
the chenille bedspread. Was this
why I had crossed Australia
from west to east? I grew up
comfortable and now pursued
discomfort: a cleaning job and
a down-at-heel boarding house, a dancing girl
on the end of the stick.
Could I write here?
No words came – only self-pity
as the sun went down
behind the tattered blind.

 - Andrew Burke

8 comments:

  1. I think it's pretty well there but there's something not quite right for me about the rhythm of the last two lines... I think the image is fine

    ... maybe if self-pity could be replaced by some plot leading us to that conclusion?

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    Replies
    1. Great idea. I shall attempt an image to speak the emotion.

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  3. A very fine and evocative poem, Andrew. As Kit says. The last bit. Keep it fine. Show, don't tell?

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    1. Show me - don't tell me

      ... it's uncanny how that advice is always right

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  4. I agree, erase the word self-pity and show us a gesture, an attitude, a grin, something that lets us know and feel "from inside" rather than analysing from "outside" ...

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  5. Yes, show us the self-pity, rather than telling us. I like the poem a lot, especially the narrative and the use of details. I always like reading about past events/experiences. You might consider changing a few line breaks - perhaps you could find stronger words to end lines with than "was," "and" and "this." Also, repeating "room" in line ten seems unnecessary. You could change "my room" to "mine."

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  6. Oh thank you for wise advice. This has been very fruitful.

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