after the train
five minutes ago
the crowd wisped away
taking a language
I did not understand
not yet
the iron bench
and my suitcase
stood still
on this platform
no network
my phone showed
then I saw you
come
with that smile
that smile
in which I know
I am home
*I hope this is not too cliche. I would welcome any feedback to improve this poem*
five minutes ago
the crowd wisped away
taking a language
I did not understand
not yet
the iron bench
and my suitcase
stood still
on this platform
no network
my phone showed
then I saw you
come
with that smile
that smile
in which I know
I am home
*I hope this is not too cliche. I would welcome any feedback to improve this poem*
Just want to say I love 'wisped away'. And like your use of repetition. And indeed, like it all.
ReplyDeleteI like it very much too. I think it's lovely. Simple, yes, but not cliched.
ReplyDeleteyes, lovely, and the repetition is spot on. Hits the right note.
ReplyDeleteI was expecting "whisked away" and "talking a language". But it works like this anyway. I don't think it's clichéd to connect a familiar person, especially a partner, with home and especially in a foreign environment. There is that feeling of relief especially when you're returning from somewhere. I guess it would be more normal to say "that smile that tells me I am home". But I'm not sure to what extent you're intentionally twisting language. If you're twisting, sure, do it!
ReplyDeleteHi Chrys, nice poem indeed, and YES I love this idea which is also a feeling, that you can be housed into some beloved one's smile, it's so true to me!
ReplyDeleteI like the rhythm of the final stanza. Feels just right.
ReplyDelete