Robert Verdon, #180, Hard Cheese (a prose microplay in one act)

Tom and Bill, eating lunch. Tom has just upended a bottle over his celery sandwich.

Tom: (sotto voce) You little beauty! (to Bill) Hey mate, want some tomato sauce?

Bill: No way mate, that’d ruin it.

Tom: I can see you’re finding that sanga enjoyable as it is.

Bill: Yeah, it’s cheese.

Tom: Bit borin’ I’d reckon.

Bill: No it isn’t. I — actually, I find cheese — erotic.

Tom: Eh? Er, do you? I don’t. Hey, I bet you collect it.

Bill: Yeah, how did you know? I’ve got four hundred types of cheese at home.

Tom: They see you comin’ at IGA.

Bill: Yep, the manager said he’s just put in a swimmin’ pool.

Tom: Christ. But — do you feel compelled to — nibble at it, like — a mouse?

Bill: Er, ’course I do — heh heh! But there’s a hell of a lot to eat, mind you.

Tom: Geez, I’d imagine. Reckon it’d go mouldy, wouldn’t it?

Bill: I do keep a lot of it in the fridge. But, well, truth be told, I like — mouldy cheese the best.

Tom: Oh — mate, that’s disgustin’.

Bill: No —

Tom: Yes it is. Even Wallace and Grommit wouldn’t come at that. Just the thought of it makes me sick.

Bill: No, mate, it’s — delicious! It’s a good feelin’, lettin’ it slide down yer gullet, so sinuous, so concu – pissant!

Tom: Concupiscent? You’re sick, mate. Sick in the head.

Bill: B-but it’s good! There’s a certain kind of — beauty in mouldy cheese. A je ne cheese quoi.

Tom: There is not! It’s filthy. I tell you, you’re a sicko. A pervert.

Bill: (eyeing his dripping sandwich) I think you protest too bloody much, mate.

Tom: I’m a vegan! And you — you’re a cheesophile.

Bill: Look, I — I don’t do it with very young cheese. It’s all matured. Consenting slices, you know. I even keep the rind on half the time.

Tom: Oh Geez. Look mate —

Bill: — it’s wholesome, especially the Swiss.

Tom: For God’s … Well — so you say. (aside) Geez, it gives a whole new dimension to the Cheese Shop sketch.

Bill: (aside) An erotic classic. (to Tom) But there’s one kink I don’t have.

Tom: What’s that?

Bill: Mate, I might be a sicko and a pervert, I might even be a cheesophile, but under no circumstances do I smother me little beauties in tomato bloody sauce!